I developed The 3 Life Questions™ over a period of forty years of living, working, meditating, and wrestling with my own sense of fulfillment (or lack thereof).
Four books were particularly influential: Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl, On Death and Dying by Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, The Way of Integrity by Martha Beck, and Awareness by Fr. Anthony De Mello.
Prior to World War II, Viktor Frankl was a successful neurologist and psychiatrist. Imprisoned by the Nazis in 1942, everything Frankl had ever known or worked for in his life was taken away or destroyed. His father, mother, brother, and wife all died in concentration camps. Separated from his family and unaware of their fate throughout the war, Frankl spent time in four different camps where torture, cruelty, death, and hopelessness were part of everyday life.
The Internal Force
But Frankl saw something else as well. In the midst of all the suffering, disease, and death, Frankl and some of his fellow prisoners maintained a force that enabled them to carry on. Following his camp’s liberation in 1945, Frankl focused on understanding this internal force and how its presence or absence helped explain why some survived the camps while others did not.
Frankl published Man’s Search for Meaning in 1946. He proposed that the primary drive in life is the search for meaning, rather than the drive for sex or pleasure (as Freud theorized), or for power (as Nietzsche and others claimed). The strength of this drive, including one’s ability to find “seeds of meaning” even in suffering, explained the degree to which one felt fulfilled in life. Indeed, for Frankl, suffering was essential for finding meaning:
“If there is a meaning in life at all, then there must be a meaning in suffering. Suffering is an ineradicable part of life, even as fate and death. Without suffering and death human life cannot be complete.
“The way in which a man accepts his fate and all the suffering it entails, the way in which he takes up his cross, gives him ample opportunity — even under the most difficult circumstances — to add a deeper meaning to his life. It may remain brave, dignified and unselfish. Or in the bitter fight for self-preservation he may forget his human dignity and become no more than an animal. Here lies the chance for a man either to make use of or to forgo the opportunities of attaining the moral values that a difficult situation may afford him. And this decides whether he is worthy of his sufferings or not. … Such men are not only in concentration camps. Everywhere man is confronted with fate, with the chance of achieving something through his own suffering.
What is Life Expecting of Us?
Meaning for Frankl was not found in the abstract, but in the very concrete experiences of everyday life. And it could only be found by shifting from making demands on life, to a posture where one asks, “What is life expecting of me in this situation?” This is more than semantics – it is a fundamental shift in consciousness that opens opportunities for learning and growth.
Speaking of how this shift helped he and his fellow prisoners survive the horrors of the camps, Frankl wrote:
“What was really needed was a fundamental change in our attitude toward life. We had to learn ourselves and, furthermore, we had to teach the despairing men, that it did not really matter what we expected from life, but rather what life expected from us. We needed to stop asking about the meaning of life, and instead to think of ourselves as those who were being questioned by life — daily and hourly. Our answer must consist, not in talk and meditation, but in right action and in right conduct. Life ultimately means taking the responsibility to find the right answer to its problems and to fulfill the tasks which it constantly sets for each individual.
“These tasks, and therefore the meaning of life, differ from man to man, and from moment to moment. Thus it is impossible to define the meaning of life in a general way. Questions about the meaning of life can never be answered by sweeping statements. “Life” does not mean something vague, but something very real and concrete, just as life’s tasks are also very real and concrete. They form man’s destiny, which is different and unique for each individual. No man and no destiny can be compared with any other man or any other destiny. No situation repeats itself, and each situation calls for a different response. Sometimes the situation in which a man finds himself may require him to shape his own fate by action. At other times it is more advantageous for him to make use of an opportunity for contemplation and to realize assets in this way. Sometimes man may be required simply to accept fate, to bear his cross. Every situation is distinguished by its uniqueness, and there is always only one right answer to the problem posed by the situation at hand.
Your Attitude Matters. A Lot.
Meaning, then, is not found in the answer, but rather in the seeker’s attitude toward life and the question being asked. The significance of reframing one’s approach to life’s concrete experiences – by asking what life is expecting of us rather than focusing on our personal demands or agenda – is profound. It makes us not only receptive to learning, but we become proactive seekers of insights and knowledge. Inside such a stance, we can’t help but find new opportunities for growth and self-understanding.
Next: Lessons learned from On Death and Dying and The Way of Integrity
Chris Kenny, The 3 Life Questions™
