Isolation. Loneliness. Feeling like you’re on a deserted island.
Sound familiar?
Feeling isolated and alone is the most common complaint among leaders in all walks of life. And this feeling certainly does not arise from a lack of contact with others. After all, leaders are surrounded by people, all day.
Yet the interactions ring hollow. It’s part of the reason many leaders join networking and fraternal organizations such as Vistage, TEC, and Rotary.
The Central Question
Establishing and maintaining meaningful relationships is essential to fulfillment in life. When we build relationships that allow us to be seen, heard, and valued for who we truly are – when we’re able to connect our most authentic self with the authentic self of another – we thrive.
The subjects in On Death and Dying clearly knew this, which is why the second of The 3 Life Questions™ – “Am I cultivating meaningful relationships?” – is center stage among the 3 Questions.
What’s Getting in Your Way?
Leaders often struggle to deepen their relationships, particularly at work, in part due to several unseen barriers that get in the way. I know I’ve come up against each of these (and often all three in the same situation!):
- Fear of Vulnerability – Keeping conversations shallow to avoid discomfort.
- Desire for Approval – Seeking validation instead of genuine connection.
- Fear of Rejection – Holding back your true self to fit in.
From Transactional to Transformational
Another problem that often arises in the leadership context is our focus on getting things done and accomplishing goals, rather than attending to the real needs, desires, and fears of the individuals with whom we are interacting. There are any number of pressures that cause us to value efficiency, rather than depth, in our interactions at work.
However, the way we engage with others matters. A lot.
When we focus solely on networking or professional gain, relationships can feel transactional. But when we prioritize authentic presence, active listening, and curiosity, our connections deepen.
After all, no one – including the leader themselves – wants to be treated as a mere “means to an end.”
Think about it: how did you respond the last time someone made you feel that way? Did you want to cooperate and help, or did you feel your body physically tense up, and every internal fiber of your being go into resistance mode? You can expect the same is true of others, and the power you have due to your organizational authority will only make their internal resistance more acute.
Cultivating More Meaningful Relationships – It Takes Intention and Practice
Meaningful relationships require intentional effort. Simple shifts can make a big difference:
- Listen deeply, without an agenda.
- Express appreciation and gratitude.
- Prioritize presence over productivity.
Approaching relationships with curiosity and appreciation fosters trust and depth. It’s about creating space for authentic conversations rather than simply exchanging information.
Cultivating meaningful relationships takes time, so you’ll need to commit to the process over several weeks and months.
Your Challenge This Week
Pick one key relationship – perhaps start with a professional relationship you’d like to improve – and commit to a fully present interaction. Silence your phone, set aside distractions, and remove or minimize any physical barriers between you and the other person (for example, sit on the same side of a conference room table).
When the other person speaks, instead of planning your next response, focus your attention on their emotions, tone, and energy, not just their words.
As you practice these skills, notice the changes that arise. At first, you’re likely to feel uncomfortable trying these new habits. But over time, what changes do you begin to notice in yourself? In the other person? Do you to feel more at ease with others, and do you sense they are feeling slightly more at ease with you? Do you feel more in sync with those who interact with you, and do the outcomes from these types of interactions feel more powerful?
Getting Off the Island
These types of changes will not happen overnight. But with intention and deliberate practice, you will begin to notice some positive shifts in your relationships.
You’ll have taken a important step toward getting off that island.
If you’d like to explore this in more depth, schedule a no-obligation, 30-minute conversation here: https://calendar.the3lifequestions.com/lets-get-to-know-one-another.